Surviving The Purge with GCHS Teachers

Surviving The Purge with GCHS Teachers

I recently binged all of the Purge movies, and it got me thinking. Based on physical appearance alone, which GCHS teacher would you survive the purge with?

People say that looks don’t matter, but let’s be honest, they matter. When it comes to the purge, appearance is everything. Look, I’m not saying that a group leader with some good eyebrows would make me feel safe, but that’s exactly what I’m saying. Or good teeth. You pair up with a person who has good teeth and you’re golden. It’s a done deal. Either that or at the last minute they end up killing you, because people with nice teeth are untrustworthy, and also kinda scary. It’s science. Ask anyone. Maybe it’s superficial to base someone’s survival rate off of their physical appearance (definitely is), but it quite frankly factors into the decision process.

So this is how it’s going to work. I’m going to name all of the teachers I ended up choosing and then explain why I chose them. Let me be honest, the reasonings are weird and sort of sideways at some points, but it makes sense. Trust me.

 

  • Mr. Hutchings — Bald. I don’t know why action movies and bald people go together so well, but they do and I trust baldies because of it. Look at the Rock, he’s bald, kicks butt, and saves the day! You trust the Rock. You trust bald people, because of your trust in the Rock. Basically every time you see a bald person, you see the Rock. Mr. Hutchings is the Rock.

 

  • Mr. Crider — Good eyebrows. Remember how I said people with good eyebrows make you feel safe? This is that. Thick, dark eyebrows are a safety blanket. His eyebrows make me think of american pie, specifically the dad from american pie. The name Eugene Levy probably won’t ring a bell, but his eyebrows will. They’re dark, thick, and bushy, just like Mr.Crider’s. His eyebrows alone could kill a man. They’re just that powerful.

 

  • Tate — Stocky, muscular. I’ve only seen Mr. Tate once, but that one time deeply affected me. Have you ever seen this man? He literally looks like he could crush my skull. His workout routine is bench pressing the whole football team. The sheer determination, and beefiness of him alone is keeping me alive.This man would kill everyone in sight with his BARE HANDS! God bless that man and his meaty hands.

 

  • Mr. Burgess — Beard and sandals. Listen, beards instantly guarantee safety. It’s just a fact. There is a strength to that beard. I’ve seen this man wear socks and sandals with confidence. CONFIDENCE! Anyone who can confidently wear socks and sandals and rock a beard is most definitely making it through the purge. He also plays the guitar, so you get a little entertainment, too. Win win.

 

  • Mr. Garland — Looks like an older Emilio Estevez. Y’all remember Coach Bombay from the Mighty Ducks? Yep, that’s him. Emilio Estevez is related to Charlie and Martin Sheen. Anyone who carries a resemblance to the Sheen family is making it out alive. Craziness runs through families, and Mr.Garland probably has some crazy in him.  (Charlie Sheen’s real name is Carlos Estevez, he’s Spanish).  

 

  • Mr. Manoogian — The man wears paint stained clothes. That’s chaotic. That’s messy. That’s true heroism. I’m surviving.

 

  • Mrs. Miller — Looks like Jessie Spano. Jessie Spano is an iconic character from saved by the bell. She was passionate, strong willed and she dated A.C. SLATER (Mario Lopez is a Latino god). She may have been high strung at times, but she always had good intentions. That’s the vibe I get from Mrs. Miller. She’ll try her hardest to keep everyone alive. It’s promising. Heroic. (I still can’t believe Saved by the Bell dedicated a whole episode to Jessie becoming addicted to caffeine pills. Elizabeth Berkley should’ve won an Emmy for that performance. It’s messy and dramatic but iconic).

 

  • Mr. Neville — He’s so sarcastic it hurts. Have you ever talked to this man? He’s too smart for his own good. I sit in his class and am blown away by how off centered the guy gets. His conversation is thought out and disorganized. How does that happen? I have no idea but it does. He’d probably spend the whole purge cracking sarcastic one liners. You’ll most likely regret your decision of being a part of his group, but hey, you won’t die (I had him in my junior year and the only thing I remember from the class is to glorify god and enjoy him forever. Oh, and The Crucible).

 

  • Mrs. Connolly — Looks like the cool older sibling. It’s like a Disney movie situation where the younger sibling acts like they find the older sibling utterly annoying, but secretly have always looked up to them. She’s the cool older sister that plays a sport, listens to cool indie music, and was the first girl in her school to cut her hair in a pixie cut. She’s cool, which makes you cool by association (Oh my god, she’s literally Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You). “Welcome back to Buzzfeed unsolved and on this week’s episode we’ll be covering the conspiracy theory that Mrs. Connolly is Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You.”

 

If these choices don’t satisfy you, here are some honorable mentions of different people I think would be good Purge partners.

  • Air Bud – he’s literally a dog that does sports! What more do you need?
  • Ron Swanson – mustache
  • Michael Jordan – but only from Space Jam
  • Macho Man Randy Savage – he’s the only person who can wear sunglasses inside.
  • Scottie Pippen – but it’s only him dunking on Patrick Ewing (God, that dunk was so disrespectful. R.I.P. Patrick Ewing. If you watch a clip of the dunk you can actually see Patrick’s soul leave his body).